While fixing my hair one morning before heading out the door, I think, Oh, I need to get my umbrella and put it in my bag in case it rains today. I walk into the kitchen to pick up said umbrella from the table and pack it away. But that’s when I realize, as soon as I thought it, the memory of what I was meant to do vanished. But my body remembered because it walked me into the kitchen. My mind cannot recall what I was meant to get. The umbrella remains behind and sure enough, it rains.
I’m analysing a research transcript when I think, Oh, I need to look up that reference for the article my Supervisor recommended. So I quickly pull up my browser and…sit there. (Like Mozilla Firefox, Well, this is embarrassing…) I have zero recollection of why I’ve pulled up a new page or what I am meant to do with it. But while I’m here, I might as well email that colleague/play that song on YouTube that’s been dancing through my mind the last few days/message my mother on Facebook/look up that website one of my interviewees mentioned…two hours later I’m still online and the thing I went there to do in the first place has flitted away into oblivion. Until I shut down. Then it comes back.
I’m sitting at my desk, planner at my elbow when I remember an upcoming appointment I need to put in my itinerary. Oh! Let me write that down so I don’t forget… I immediately turn to my planner, find my pen and locate a blank space to write down…Now what was it? I know there was something I needed to do…I put down my planner, muttering to myself, hoping whatever “it” was will return.
My favorite moments? Having these thoughts when I’m nowhere near my planner. Like when I’m walking in to work in the mornings…or in the tearoom, fixing my lunch…or in the loo. Those are the moments I have the most brilliant ideas but I can’t remember them.
And I think I’m losing my English. How do I spell…I pull up dictionary.com and type it in, misspelled, of course. It kindly corrects me. “Did you mean…” Ah, right! How could I forget? That’s i-n-c-o-n-s-e-q-u-e-n-t-i-a-l.
It’s always taken me an inordinate amount of time to write emails because I read them repeatedly for “voice.” Lately though, while I’m re-reading, I notice my voice has been leaving words out. Or adding an ‘s’ to the end of a word that is usually singular. Or using homonyms incorrectly (i.e., ‘hear’ when I meant to say ‘here’). Today in an email to a member of our department, I signed off with my usual “line of appreciation”, albeit a bit ungrammatically: I appreciate your help and hard works on my behalf and look forward to talking with again. Golly. Thankfully, my re-read caught the problems with my voice.
A new colleague introduces herself and for the next few weeks, we exchange pleasantries whenever we see one another, with me greeting her by name each time. But suddenly one day I’m struck with a thought: Oh no! Did I remember her name right? Have I been calling her by the wrong name all this time, Caroline when it should have been Catherine?! So I stop calling her by name. And things get awkward when on break in the tearoom one day, I address a question to her but have to be heard over those speaking around us and she doesn’t look my way immediately. I have a flash of panic that I’ll have to call her by name but do I have the right one? She looks my way (oh good!) and the conversation continues. I begin casually dropping her name in sentences to other people. Is ‘Caroline’ here today? And then gauge their response. No brows draw together in bafflement, no guffaws at my expense that I’ve been saying her name wrong <heh heh> and I finally begin to realise after about a week of this, it was just another firefly moment. I begin confidently using her name again and we move along splendidly, social faux pas averted. I hope she didn’t notice…
~
The fireflies of my thoughts blink on. Then off. On. Then off. And I am left waiting for the on switch again.
My self-diagnosis? “PhD-related Alzheimer’s”.
My self-remedy? Submit my thesis and get my brain back.
Still, my mother assures me that this is actually ‘normal’ and has nothing to do with my PhD. It has everything to do, she says, with ‘growing older.’ I turn 40 this year. Welcome to the rest of my life.
Ooo…look at the pretty fireflies…
The Smart Girl's Guide to Getting Her PhD Abroad 
I’m working on my thesis proposal at 60+ – oh, hordes of fireflies!
Hilarious! Good on ya for bravely taking this life on. It takes chutzpah to start a PhD at any age but perhaps the ‘fireflies’ grow into a bigger cloud the older we are as postgrads. I think they should at least warn us about them in our Orientation…:)
Indeed they should. : ] I may just be a glutton for punishment. Or maybe I just like challenges. I’m definitely a late bloomer – I finished my BA in my 40s, earned my MA at 57 in 2010. I had no desire to enter a PhD program then, but I recently felt the urge, despite all the insects careening around my head!
Hello Two Sides, I often shake my head at this life choice I’ve made but I wouldn’t have it any other way. If the ‘urge’ has stayed with you even through writing the proposal then it’s probably a good time to do it! The proposal itself is a large undertaking so I wish you the best of luck on the journey you’re embarking on. It’ll be one of the hardest things you’ve probably ever done but you won’t regret it!
Hi Shermma, Thanks for replying. I would love to have you as a NZ pen pal. I have bern here in Auckland for the past 7 months. Hopefully I will be starting a PhD in the second semester. Currently I am working on my MA thesis in applied linguistics at Auckland uni. I have had an MA in translation studies from my homecountry. I used to enjoy writing letters to my pen friends and still remember how it felt to receive letters in a mail Box.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
NG
On Thursday, 12 February 2015, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Getting Her PhD
Thank you so much for sharing that amazing narrative. You were just describing me. Isn’t it great to know that we have a lot more to share than we actually believe. Just contrary to your mum, mine keeps telling me that it has nothing with age because she wants me to believe I am still young (turning forty in a couple of years). I even thought that I may be diagnosed with ADHD. Now let me think, what was it that I wanted to say? Maybe some other time….i am studying at Auckland too
Hi Angie, thanks for reading! Yes, it is nice; I find that when I write about the ‘shared mundanities’ of daily life, others may see themselves in what I write and then we can share a laugh! I got a chuckle out of your description of your mother’s philosophical approach concerning age in going the Opposite direction to keep you feeling young. I find I used to take it for granted when folks who were older than me said I was still young and I had a lot of life ahead. Now, facing 40 in a few months’ time, I appreciate those words a lot more when I hear them! There’s something about feeling like there’s still ‘time’ to achieve what I haven’t yet (like the PhD) that feels good. I too have wondered in the past if I have ADHD! Too funny. Are you in a PhD program? Feel free to shoot me an email if you’d like to correspond as NZ ‘Penpals in Progress’. 🙂
vivpart034@gmail.com to tell you this but it just gets worse. I’m 80 now & trying to master the PC at my age is a challenge!!!!I need that dictionary .com I can see as I am always asking Duane “how do you spell……”D’s comment was “you have to know how to spell dictionary don’t u??”some help! we’ll keep in touch [if we can remember] vivian
Hello Vivian, hilarious! Yes, dictionary.com has saved me many a time – I highly recommend it! I’m glad you are enjoying the stories I write here. I told my mother on the phone yesterday this blog is about the only enjoyment I get these days, immersed in this PhD as I am. Not only am I looking forward to getting my brain back, I can’t wait to have my life back too! But for now, I’ll continue writing about daily life, such as it is, on this PhD track. Thanks for reading!
I can relate! Only instead of calling up a dictionary I often rely on a google of the word, or open up Word to check and then the minute I see it with an American spelling I ‘know’ what the NZ spelling should be. Some words can only be solved by adding every permutation into the Autocorrect function of Word – like participate/pant/pation – somewhere during my MA I managed to lose all ability to spell those.
Hi Keely, agreed! Sometimes I find that Googling the word is the quickest and easiest way to find out if it’s correct or not. You and I are just the opposite, however. As an American writing in British/Kiwi English, there are STILL some Kiwi words I’m scratching my head over. For instance, does “focussed” really have two s’s or was someone misspelling it? I’ve been spelling it that way ever since I recently saw it spelled by someone I trust to know and haven’t learned if that’s really correct or not. It’s like writing in a different language! :o)
That’s me to a T. I’m going on 42 and … SQUIRREL!!
(I know exactly what you mean)
Thanks for letting us all relate. 🙂
Hilarious! I do love that particular pop culture reference because it captures so very much. It’s good to know there are others out there who can relate. Thanks for reading!